20150528: SciFi Review--Age of Ice

Age of Ice

1. Fundamentals.
1. Title: Age of Ice
2. IMDb: Users rated this 1.8/10 (1,207 votes)
3. Rotten Tomatoes:
   zero ratings by critics returned
   19% of users liked it from 62 recorded ratings
   Critics Consensus: No consensus formed yet.


4. Status: Released
5. Release date: 2014-12-09
6. Production Companies: The Asylum
7. Tagline: The world's greatest desert now a frozen apocalypse.


8. Budget:  Budget estimate not available at review time.
9. Revenue: Revenue figures not available at review time.
10. Runtime: 85 minutes.
11. Genres: Adventure, Science Fiction


12. Written and directed by: Emile Edwin Smith.


13. Starring: Barton Bund as Jack Jones, Bailey Spry as Amber Jones, Owais Ahmed as Tariq, Joe Cipriano as Dylan Jones, Jules Hartley as Diane Jones, Yaron Urbas as Capt. Kawar, Wilfried Capet as Simon


14. TMDb overview: Massive earthquakes open the Arabian tectonic plate, resulting in unstable weather and freezing temperatures that will be unsurvivable by nightfall. Attempting to reach safety, a vacationing family in Egypt must battle the rapidly cooling temperatures that usher in a new Ice Age, covering the Sphinx, Pyramids, and Sahara Desert with mountains of snow.


2. Setup and Plot


1. We start with the American Navy in the eastern Mediterranean.  All seems well, then a sequence of unexplained phenomena take out most of the USN ships and planes.  Sure.   This 'explained' (not) by referring to activity of the 'Arabian plate' which exposed magma to sea water which did something else between unlikely and impossible.  Then a blizzard starts. 


2. We start following the Jones family.  Father Jack, daughter Amber, and son Dylan are on a tour of Egyptian pyramids when the strange weather strikes.  They get re-connected with mother Diane before the problems get really serious.  Getting a plane out of Egypt fails.  The train ride fails because Dylan jumps off.  Camels work for a bit.  Walking seems a disaster.  Trucks were not all that safe either.


3. Since the entire Jones family seems to be good at making bad decisions, will the locals end up helping them?  Does anyone get out of this ever-worsening mess?


3. Conclusions
1. What is supposed to be Egypt was filmed in Detroit, MI, US.  Brilliant. The American teen Amber knows more about Egyptian culture than the locals? I don't think so. Either child knowing more than both parents about every issue? No, just no. People jumping off a pyramid 50 times their own height and landing uninjured with unsullied clothing? No.


2. There is nothing that this cast cannot ruin.


3. One line summary: The Asylum strikes again; the audience loses.


4. Zero of ten.  Four black holes for screenplay, acting, cinematography, and contempt for the audience.


4. Scores
1. Cinematography: 1/10 Poor CGI, some shaky cam, ridiculous set design.


2. Sound: 6/10 I could usually hear the dialog.  The music was not always bad.


3. Acting: 0/10 There was acting? 


4. Screenplay: 0/10 Stuff and nonsense.